Moose Hunts and Other Things

Mar 17, 2013

Bassoon Commandments

  1. Thou shalt play well, or thou shall be hit with thy own Bassoon.
  2. Thou shalt play IN TUNE and with the correct embouchure
  3. Thou must worketh on scales at least thrice a fortnight.
  4. Thou must constantly increase their range from a low Bb to a HIGH F
  5. Thou must be able to play the opening of The Rite of Spring
  6. Thou shalt own a copy of Mozart’s Bassoon Concerto
  7. The low Bb shalt be thy favourite note on the instrument
  8. One must immerse thyself in the art of Bassoonery.
  9. One must be friends with a French Horn player, for Bassoons and French Horns have been friends since the beginning of time.
  10. Thou must tryeth to get along with trombonists and cellists. They have been known to come to your aid in your time of greatest need.
  11. One must befriend the oboist, for they are a double reeder.
  12. If an individual calleth your Bassoon an oboe, you are legally entitled to curse at the person and hit them with the bell of your Bassoon.
  13. Long supported notes show strength and competence.
  14. Short staccato notes show precision.
  15. Thou shalt imitate fog horns on the North Sea on the lower register
  16. Thou shalt never complain of a weary thumb. A bassoonists thumb is his greatest asset.
  17. Thou shalt make reeds constantly, and complain about the tribulations of making reeds.
  18. 2nd bassoonist shall not be made a mockery of by the Principal.
  19. Contra-bassoons, and their players, may be inferior and associate themselves with tubas and bass-clarinets, but they are still cool.
  20. Thou shalt include the Beegees or other appropriate bands into classical works at all times. (As revealed to the world by Bill Bailey)
  21. Thou shalt keep the Tenor Sax in their place, and constantly remind them that they will never be able to replace the Bassoon.
  22. Thou shalt seek a master, to train and guide thee, and once a bassoonist has risen to the ranks of mastery, they must in turn take on the task of training new prospective bassoonists.